detoxblog@wonderwinds

It is also Pennsylvania's Democratic primary day, so in theory today would be a great day to plant a candidate but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to mix your activities like that. At any rate, Hillary is winning Pennsylvania and Barack is winning the nomination and the earth is losing ... well ... everything. Everything except of course the ability to shrug us off like dandruff if need be.

It is also the day my counter officially goes to 3 months straight and sober.

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Today I think I'll invite my fellow drunks and junkies (aka friends in rehab) over for a virtual visit. I should tidy the place up a bit? Maybe see what I got here so's I could figure out what I don't got.

• A friendly greeting? check.
• Something to listen to? check (and if you don't like Otis Redding fuck yourself).
• 30 days of sobriety? check!
• Some reading material? check (as long as addiction-related linkage counts as reading material).

Is that it? No fascinating statistics? check. No facebook myspace digg technorati twitter add-me-to-this add-me-to-that bullshit cluttering up my universe? check. No fun stuff of any kind? check.

(Okay 'TOLS' ain't happening.)

I should add some speaker tape sources to the sidebar though.

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Doesn't sound so bad I guess. Probably most folk sorta know it as DTs if they know it at all. Nobody in the process said that's where I was at when I went cold turkey but I kinda think so. I wonder how many people realize it can kill you?

Symptoms occur because of the toxic effects of alcohol on the brain and nervous system. They may be severe and get worse very quickly. This is a life-threatening condition that requires immediate medical attention.

But that's not what I'm thinking about today other than how delirium tremens doesn't sound so bad and how it'd be a cool domain name. I'm not sure what I'm thinking of writing today so maybe I won't post this? Probably I'll figure out something.

Like how I'm getting more and more with "the program" lately. 5 meetings so far this week, over 4 days. I told my sponsor I was gonna shoot for 5 meetings and 5 days a week so I gotta hope I get some sleep today so I can find a meeting tomorrow.

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That's the class I missed

Well, the first days are the hardest days,
don't you worry anymore
When life looks like Easy Street
there is danger at your door
Think this through with me
Let me know your mind
Wo-oah, what I want to know
is are you kind?

I just signed up with http://www.sobercircle.com/ and did a little time in a chat room there. Kinda neat I guess. Chat, forums, blogs. Resources and events but I didn't go deep on it so I don't know much about them. I was looking for online meetings. Chat is better unless the rooms fill up with people not respecting what they might be walking into ya know? Cool site. Bookmarked AND allowed javascript

Found a couple of others too but haven't played yet. Found an IRC chat room. I know next to nothing about IRC except it's totally retro and bound to be full of geeks

So yeah if you're not into God-stuff now would be a good time to leave...

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I drank again. Right after my last post here. I should feel ... what? embarrassed? ashamed? guilty of something? I feel bad is all.

I also tried "no drugs" on Thursday. Big mistake. No more Ativans, but I got a non-addictive anti-anxiety thing that I should have taken. Bad day followed by no sleep. Tried to attend an AA meeting that night but - again - the stupid web page is simply wrong about when and where. Found the address but nothing was happening there. Had a backup planned because I'm getting used to the damned things not happening but didn't go. Decided to go spend a gift certificate on myself. Some new pants. A jacket.

On Friday I missed my IOP session because when I finally slept I didn't wake up in time. Damn will *anything* go right for me? Yes!

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Of course not right? It pretty much fucks him up. For most folk it ain't shit, but for him it's kinda like alcohol is for me. Something to Avoid with a capital A.

My biggest fear is going through that again.

54 hours since my last self-inflicted exposure to my personal kryptonite. An airplane bottle of Jim Beam. One. Overall not bad, but not the point of this path. The next couple of minutes are what matter. Then the next. Then the next. The pay-fer sessions are kinda neat, but getting to a local AA meeting is like pulling teeth from a duck. First one seemed to not exist anymore so scratch that. Today I couldn't find the fucking place. Googled it before hand and sorta knew where I was going, but the fucking road just didn't exist. So it looks like the only way I can find myself in the company of those who actually know where I'm at is to drive to fucking phoenix. And it's stupid little suburbs, but either way it's a half hour away just to be close enough to start finding the places. I think I'll post this and plan a shit ton of driving tomorrow.

Gotta remember my phone because the short term disability people want to ask me some questions about my claim. If they reject it then I'm done with programs and (attempts at) meetings. I can't take care of my shit daytime and do my work night time at the same time. It's just not gonna happen ya know?

I'm really for shit on remembering things so I oughta write this one down: Monday January 21st I drank a single shot of bourbon whiskey. Wanna know something cool? I actually felt it. I got a buzz is what I mean. And guess what else? I don't really like the buzz. GOOD for me!!! Used to be 4 shots was routine and 8 shots was my buzz level. 10 or 12 shots were for when I wanted to get liquored up a bit. Now ONE does the damage that alcohol is supposed to do.

I'm bored. I need to find something to do soon because ... drinking is something to do. I could update my blog engine since a new release just came out, but that's more like work than fun. I've got half an idea to throw down a "Free Gallery" plugin based directly on the existing gallery plugin that they guy who wrote it now wants donations to upgrade his code. eh? Open source baby: open fucking source. But that's not my idea of fun either.

I'm bored. I should take my last ativan and figure out how many meetings I can make in one day tomorrow.

Today will be my first "intensive out-patient" session. Not sure what to expect... or do... Got about an hour and a half before I'm supposed to be there and I'm supposed to be there a bit early. I want breakfast though, and traffic is going to suck. Ah well eh? If all goes well I'll be sober longer than I've been loaded. It'll take a few years for that to happen, and it won't start until I dry up completely. All going well is a wide open topic though. I really hope my medical leave for this time gets approved. Taking work out of the equation lets me focus on the task at hand ya know?

Bye Jim. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

On a bit of good news, I get a buzz from 2 shot bottles and I'm not feeling good about that buzz. Used to be 4 shots maintained me and the next 4 got me a bit of a buzz and the next 4 finally got me loaded, so 2=buzz is pretty damned good. To my way of thinking.

Okay time for my prescription-strength vitamins and to hit the road. Plus an Ativan. I'm not going to face half a day without *something* to keep my head screwed down tight.