detoxblog@wonderwinds

I drank again. Right after my last post here. I should feel ... what? embarrassed? ashamed? guilty of something? I feel bad is all.

I also tried "no drugs" on Thursday. Big mistake. No more Ativans, but I got a non-addictive anti-anxiety thing that I should have taken. Bad day followed by no sleep. Tried to attend an AA meeting that night but - again - the stupid web page is simply wrong about when and where. Found the address but nothing was happening there. Had a backup planned because I'm getting used to the damned things not happening but didn't go. Decided to go spend a gift certificate on myself. Some new pants. A jacket.

On Friday I missed my IOP session because when I finally slept I didn't wake up in time. Damn will *anything* go right for me? Yes!

I finally found a meeting here in my utopian little town. FINALLY! You know how you pick up a vibe from new experiences and people on contact? Right or wrong, I felt pretty good about this group. I'm not hip to all the different formats for these things but this was pretty much an open discussion driven by tickets. You get a raffle ticket thing when you walk in and after the formalities of opening the meeting when your ticket gets pulled from the pile of tickets you get three minutes to cover what's on your mind. The first ticket pulled was a guy who has been sober for 21 years. Mine was second. They said I could pass but I wasn't there to watch or whatever ya know? I'm an alcoholic and I need serious help getting and staying sober, so I spoke.

I forget what I said because it's pretty damned draining to face this shit. Basically though a one minute synopsis of my little story. Wanted to say more but it's not like me to break down publicly. I was close. Real close. I guess I could have "done better" or something, but it's not a contest and there's no right or wrong thing to say or feel. And I got my 24 hour medallion. I didn't think it would feel so good to get a silly little token like that, but it does.

Nice group. I felt good there. I'm looking forward to seeing them all more often for what I can get, and hopefully one day what I can give. Hey I got an accurate up-to-date list of all the meetings in my little town. Cool! So after the meeting some of the people go out to a local restaurant for a dinner together. I was invited, I was hungry, I went. Hooray for something to do!

Today (assuming it's still Saturday) I didn't go to a local meeting because I actually slept in. Medicated - yeah - but I actually slept. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I think finding a group that I feel good with and about and getting my little story out to people who can actually understand it was powerful shit. So it's good and bad to miss the Saturday morning meeting. Good because I slept, but bad because I really wanted to go.

Oh well. Been wanting to update this a bit, so there ya go.