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Delirium tremens
Doesn't sound so bad I guess. Probably most folk sorta know it as DTs if they know it at all. Nobody in the process said that's where I was at when I went cold turkey but I kinda think so. I wonder how many people realize it can kill you?
Symptoms occur because of the toxic effects of alcohol on the brain and nervous system. They may be severe and get worse very quickly. This is a life-threatening condition that requires immediate medical attention.
But that's not what I'm thinking about today other than how delirium tremens doesn't sound so bad and how it'd be a cool domain name. I'm not sure what I'm thinking of writing today so maybe I won't post this? Probably I'll figure out something.
Like how I'm getting more and more with "the program" lately. 5 meetings so far this week, over 4 days. I told my sponsor I was gonna shoot for 5 meetings and 5 days a week so I gotta hope I get some sleep today so I can find a meeting tomorrow.
Monday was 2 meetings. I dunno. I didn't really feel "yeah" about either of 'em. Tuesday was a cocaine anonymous meeting with my sponsor. That was kinda cool but not my thing because coke wasn't my thing. I pretty much slept through Wednesday so I found a meeting in Chandler on Thursday. Didn't really like it but I'm pretty sure it's where I'm going for a while. See the guy who was leading the meeting read a bit that basically said if alcohol ain't your problem then you pretty much oughta hit the road and find a group of your own. Not cool ya know? I mean, it's all drug addiction right? But then someone towards the end of the meeting said how he was told if you don't like this meeting keep coming back 'till you do THEN find another meeting because it's a luxury to have so many groups to be with. Okay. Yeah. So I'll go there till I dig on it. Plus it's a fairly formal big book meeting and I'm not hip to that either. Anyway today ...er... yesterday technically was my Friday Home Group meeting.
I love my Friday group. I remember a couple of things about my first time there. I spoke. Shared where I was at, which was in the shitter in a major sort of way. I kinda remember what I said but not really. I remember trying to not break down in tears. I remember almost everyone who shared anything after me talked to me. Honestly from the heart shared what they could for my benefit. I don't remember a fuck of a word but I remember how good it made me feel. And the sweetest smile I've seen on a woman's face in a long long time. As I listened and tried not to tremble too much and looked around the room every time I came back to this woman she was looking at me. And smiled. Wow. I'm not a little kid and I'm really not stupid but ... wow. She's not there every Friday and I haven't seen her at another meeting and I don't go to see a pretty face ya know? But yeah it's nice when she's there because her smile melts me. It's an open format meeting and there's always something to laugh heartily with. These people care about me not because I'm somehow special but because they care about alcoholics. And I care about them too. I listen to them and feel for them. Good and bad yah? We go out to eat after the meeting and be like normal people, so it fills a couple of hours for me with a totally positive totally sober bit of life.
Yeah I totally love my Friday group.
But meetings don't get you sober or fix the problem. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship and meetings are a celebration of that fellowship. The cure for alcoholism is to follow the 12 steps outlined in the big book, and that's what a sponsor is there for. To get me to follow the 12 steps. It's not hard but it's not exactly easy either. Basically, for me, it means taking 30-odd years of values and beliefs and tossing them out the window. One would think that shouldn't be such a big deal given that 30-odd years of my values and beliefs got me down to half a liter of bourbon a day and a chance to experience delirium tremens, but, well, aw shit if it was easy no one would need meetings.
Damn I'm alternating between "can't sleep" and "can't stay awake". Plus if I go off my medication the shakes come back and it takes a day or so to stabilize again. Right now it's obviously "can't sleep" and it's also time to try again because I think I have something important to do at 2pm in Chandler.
